Poll Automation Bidding -- A Satire

Read this satirical story by Alan Robles on GMAnews.tv which I found very amusing but with a pinch of reality in the state of our current society.  Please read on:


When it comes to the struggle to automate and modernize elections, only the best technological solutions were considered.

Official: Hello! Some critics have said that we in the government aren't serious about modernizing our election system, and that we're just wasting the public's money. We resent such accusations. That's why right now, to show you how transparent we are, we will show you video of some of the cutting-edge proposals that we considered for poll automation. Let's show the first bidder.

Bidder No. 1: I have here a schematic for an automated integrated dynamic ballot protection system.

Official: Please explain what this means.

Bidder No. 1: My system uses a sophisticated isomer-fuelled nanotech biometric system that will scan the voter's eyes, fingerprints and face, then compare those datapoints with a robust database, looking for positive ID confirmation.

Official: And if there's no confirmation?

Bidder No. 1: The voter will be locked out of the system.

Official: And then?

Bidder No. 1: An alarm will go off...

Official: An alarm?

Bidder No. 1: Steel doors will slam shut...

Official: What?

Bidder No. 1: Then all the ballot boxes in the precinct will fly together and transform into a 25-foot battle robot that will smash and destroy the alien lifeform!

Official: Er, can you call security? Guard?

Bidder No. 1: And the robot will also fire anti-aircraft missiles to shoot down flying voters!

(Security guards drag raving, screaming bidder away)

Bidder No. 1 (while guards try to cover his mouth): They will feel the wrath of Megatron!

Official: OK, let's get on with this. Bidder number two, how do you propose to automate our elections?

Bidder No. 2: We have done a careful analysis of previous elections. We have identified the key processes and applied technological solutions to each one. Our goal is to make things easier for everybody.

Official: How?

Bidder No. 2: Well, for example, see these electronic slot machines we plan to put in each precinct?

Official: They look like US voting machines.

Bidder No. 2: No, they ARE slot machines. After the voters cast their ballots by pulling the right lever for the corresponding candidate, the machine immediately dispenses the cash they were promised by the candidate. We estimate that this will automate the process of vote buying.

Official: Er, that's interesting...

Bidder No. 2: And take a look at our proposed communications net. It's a frequency-hopping voice scrambler digital link! If a Certain Someone should ever, hypothetically, want to order an election fraud witness kidnapped and tortured, that person can give the order with perfect communications security!

Official: Ahem, cough cough, er, maybe we can move on to the next bidder...

Bidder No. 2: And we've also designed an Artificial Intelligence asset management program that will keep a private jet fueled and ready to fly anytime an official has to suddenly flee the
country!

Official: Thank you! Goodbye! Now let's consider the next bidder. What's your proposal? I don't see any diagrams or models.

Bidder No. 3: I represent a company that was just incorporated last night.

Official: Oh really?

Bidder No. 3: Our partners include people with no technical experience, our friends, their cousins, and a labandera with strange powers. And we have no paid-up capital, but we expect to be paid billions in advance.

Official: So what's so special and high-tech about your plan?

Bidder No. 3: We call it “The Automated Payout and 40 per cent Commission Project."

Official: You know, I like that. It sounds like a technological solution we can discuss!

Bidder No. 3: Shall we play golf?

The two go off happily in a swirly, pink cottony cloud of fantasy, because as we all know, things like this just don't happen in real life.